Here I will work on the premise that humans are not hard-wired for monogamy. You can reject that premise if you want, and I can't see how that will be anything but detrimental, but discussion on this is for elsewhere, and I will not take part in said discussion, here or elsewhere. So go write a blog post about it if you must.
People in long-term relationships will invariably report some degree of sexual attraction to people outside of their relationships. This is natural, and to be expected. If we agree that humans are not hard-wired for monogamy, then it stands to reason that such sexual attraction in and of itself is not a sign of a deteriorating or flawed relationship. It is usually coupled with a decrease in sexual excitement with the partner, and neither is a sign of incompatibility. Simply put, you need to be able to commit to the relationship and recognise that it will bring you greater good than multiple sexual partners. If you don't agree that your current relationship brings you greater good, then there is no shame in this, and you are probably right. You should end your fucking relationship before you act on any of this sexual attraction, because cheating is a disgusting act and anybody who would have the act of cheating associated with them, I would have hanging by their intestines from my front porch. It is never, ever justifiable, never an appropriate course of action, and it is not a 'leveller'. That is, cheating does not 'even the score' or 'cancel out' the bad deeds and misbehaviour (that wasn't cheating) of your partner, rather it puts you infinitely lower and beyond redemption.
If you find yourself desiring sexual relations with another, or emotional relations with another that run contrary to the terms of your relationship, you need to have a serious think about your relationship, what you are lacking, and if and how or if not your relationship could be refashioned to provide what you are lacking. Hopefully, this thought results in a positive action of either appropriately amending your relationship, or ending it. This should, of course, involve discussion with your partner. This will be very difficult, and I can't guide you through it and neither can anyone else. Needless to say you need impeccable communication skills for it to be an effective and healthy discussion. If the 'positive action' you reach is following through with your urges without ending your relationship, I'll direct you to a few suicide blogs and try to keep my blood from boiling with such vehemence that it melts my arteries like cellophane.
If you have cheated, there is hope for you yet. In my experience and the experience of everyone I know who is worth listening to, the deficit in your character that allowed you to cheat will not be overcome while you are in a relationship.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
'Never go to bed angry'
While it is true that issues and emotions should be addressed and dealt with appropriately, it is never healthy to suppress emotions, which is what you are essentially doing by trying to impose a time limit on them. Anger, like most other emotions, is in and of itself healthy. It serves to prepare you to respond to somebody that is potentially violating you. Problems with anger arise in its expression and regulation. Anger needs to run its course so that it doesn't fester and grow into something much greater with time, like jealousy or resentment. This isn't to say that it should be left alone completely - it should be dealt with in due time. This 'due time' will vary between people but you should know when your own time comes.
Now let's address my premise that the problems with anger arise in its expression and regulation. Never in my experience has a relationship broken down because of one person being angry at the other. Rather, people say things they don't mean, or they fail to address the issue appropriately and thus let it become something worse. First of all, be aware of your emotions. Acknowledge that you are angry and why you are angry. Unregulated anger often comes with the feeling or belief that the object of your anger has purposely provoked it, so the first step is to do all you can to eliminate this idea. Do not try and resolve your anger by attacking the other person. The aim is not to level them or take revenge on them, it is to reach a workable resolution that satisfies both parties and creates a greater understanding.
As has been said elsewhere by others who are older, wiser, and better written than I (Robert Greene, to be specific, and you can find him on http://www.powerseductionandwar.com/), if it was honourability that was at the root of human nature, then an argument would be an attempt to discern the truth, in which each party to the argument is ready to totally discard his or her ideas or subscribe to the ideas of his or her opponent. Unfortunately, baseness is at the root of human nature, and most people would rather take their own ideas over the truth. Keep this paragraph in mind next time you are arguing or angry.
Another misconception that I will take this opportunity to address is the idea that fighting is bad or undesirable. Fighting, contrary to what many people think, shows good communication. I would much rather a partner blew a gasket and screamed at me for half an hour the first time that I did something that made her angry, than withold from me her anger and end up killing my housepets and sleeping with my best friend or something. Or killing my best friend and sleeping with my housepets, whatever. It's true that some fights should be walked away from and not bothered with, and if you are fighting over trivial crap like whose turn it is to buy condoms, then you may have a problem. You may also have a problem if every fight of yours entails breaking up, each of you sleeping with 3 people and slandering the other on facebook then meekly discussing it more calmly, reaching a simple resolution and getting back together.
Now let's address my premise that the problems with anger arise in its expression and regulation. Never in my experience has a relationship broken down because of one person being angry at the other. Rather, people say things they don't mean, or they fail to address the issue appropriately and thus let it become something worse. First of all, be aware of your emotions. Acknowledge that you are angry and why you are angry. Unregulated anger often comes with the feeling or belief that the object of your anger has purposely provoked it, so the first step is to do all you can to eliminate this idea. Do not try and resolve your anger by attacking the other person. The aim is not to level them or take revenge on them, it is to reach a workable resolution that satisfies both parties and creates a greater understanding.
As has been said elsewhere by others who are older, wiser, and better written than I (Robert Greene, to be specific, and you can find him on http://www.powerseductionandwar.com/), if it was honourability that was at the root of human nature, then an argument would be an attempt to discern the truth, in which each party to the argument is ready to totally discard his or her ideas or subscribe to the ideas of his or her opponent. Unfortunately, baseness is at the root of human nature, and most people would rather take their own ideas over the truth. Keep this paragraph in mind next time you are arguing or angry.
Another misconception that I will take this opportunity to address is the idea that fighting is bad or undesirable. Fighting, contrary to what many people think, shows good communication. I would much rather a partner blew a gasket and screamed at me for half an hour the first time that I did something that made her angry, than withold from me her anger and end up killing my housepets and sleeping with my best friend or something. Or killing my best friend and sleeping with my housepets, whatever. It's true that some fights should be walked away from and not bothered with, and if you are fighting over trivial crap like whose turn it is to buy condoms, then you may have a problem. You may also have a problem if every fight of yours entails breaking up, each of you sleeping with 3 people and slandering the other on facebook then meekly discussing it more calmly, reaching a simple resolution and getting back together.
'He says he listens, but he never does' or 'She says I never listen, but I do'
Men and women are different and work in different ways, surprisingly enough. One difference arises in their coping with stress and dealing with problems. When presented with a crisis, most men will go into solving mode and immediately start brainstorming resolutions and courses of action to take. Most women, on the other hand, will tend to want some empathy from their listener before going into problem-solving mode. I'm not going to try and list possible reasons for this, because like all you other men reading this, I am utterly baffled by it. However, there is no use in letting our actions be guided by 'how it should be', rather, we should accept reality and respond to it as best we can.
In future, when your girlfriend complains to you about her psychotic boss, rather than showering her with possible resolutions ('stand up to him', 'tell him how he is making you feel', 'tell somebody else', 'work with him towards a possible compromise', etc.), take some time to agree with her. In the early stages of this 'discussion', your input should be minimal. Put on your empathic voice and face (try not to be patronising here, because ideally, you should be genuinely empathetic) and agree that her boss is a big bully, that she can't be expected to complete all her work that quickly when there are important coffees to be had and facebook status comments to be responded to, that she's entitled to a break every 20 minutes of the working day. There may come a point in her soliloquy where your constructive input is asked for, where you can put your problem-solving hat on. Of course, there may not, because sometimes people just need to vent stress and complain to somebody who is sympathetic, and if that person isn't their partner, well, they're fucked aren't they!
Guys, do as I have advised. Girls, if one of you ever stumbles upon this thread, try and explain this to your guy.
In future, when your girlfriend complains to you about her psychotic boss, rather than showering her with possible resolutions ('stand up to him', 'tell him how he is making you feel', 'tell somebody else', 'work with him towards a possible compromise', etc.), take some time to agree with her. In the early stages of this 'discussion', your input should be minimal. Put on your empathic voice and face (try not to be patronising here, because ideally, you should be genuinely empathetic) and agree that her boss is a big bully, that she can't be expected to complete all her work that quickly when there are important coffees to be had and facebook status comments to be responded to, that she's entitled to a break every 20 minutes of the working day. There may come a point in her soliloquy where your constructive input is asked for, where you can put your problem-solving hat on. Of course, there may not, because sometimes people just need to vent stress and complain to somebody who is sympathetic, and if that person isn't their partner, well, they're fucked aren't they!
Guys, do as I have advised. Girls, if one of you ever stumbles upon this thread, try and explain this to your guy.
An Introduction
I am a university student from Melbourne, Australia, male, and in a healthy, fulfilling relationship that at the time of writing has lasted 26 months. I work on the premise that one can only advise on what one has experienced - as such everything I say here I have learnt from my repeated mistakes and failures, and everything I say here I have applied to the effect of great success.
One thing I have learnt is that healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationships are inevitably hard work. You need to fully accept and appreciate this before you get anywhere with them. If you think relationships should be easy, or you think something along the lines of 'if we were right for each other, the relationship would come naturally and be easy', then your thinking is gravely flawed, no further advice of mine will help you, and have fun with your future dysfunctional relationships and the trail of damaged people (including yourself) that you're sure to leave behind.
It is fundamentally important to your relationship that you recognise problems early on and 'nip them in the bud'. People can be - understandably - averse to acknowledging a fault or problem in themselves, their partner, or their relationship. Essentially they are facing a reality that runs against their perceptions of said reality. While you don't want to over-analyze things or create problems out of nothing ('I notice that you are very close to your mother/female friend, I should be able to provide you with whatever she does, so let's work on that' is ridiculous, for instance), you need to be able to identify problems and potential problems early on because the nature of relationship problems is that they ferment and exacerbate without proper attention and appropriate action. Any therapist who performs couple therapy will tell you that much marital discord comes about through failure to address the problem earlier (I'm not saying that your relationship is analogous to marriage - it isn't, and if you do have a marriage or a serious, adult relationship then I am really sorry for you and your partner that this is where you come for advice - none of us have advice, knowledge or experience that transcends the scope of relationships between very young adults). I cannot give a list of problems that may arise in your relationship and early warning signs of them, such a list would be beyond exhaustive and never anywhere near complete. If you feel you may have a problem and want to 'confirm' it, most of the relationship thread regulars should be able to help you, but ultimately, you are going to have to use your own judgement.
One thing I have learnt is that healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationships are inevitably hard work. You need to fully accept and appreciate this before you get anywhere with them. If you think relationships should be easy, or you think something along the lines of 'if we were right for each other, the relationship would come naturally and be easy', then your thinking is gravely flawed, no further advice of mine will help you, and have fun with your future dysfunctional relationships and the trail of damaged people (including yourself) that you're sure to leave behind.
It is fundamentally important to your relationship that you recognise problems early on and 'nip them in the bud'. People can be - understandably - averse to acknowledging a fault or problem in themselves, their partner, or their relationship. Essentially they are facing a reality that runs against their perceptions of said reality. While you don't want to over-analyze things or create problems out of nothing ('I notice that you are very close to your mother/female friend, I should be able to provide you with whatever she does, so let's work on that' is ridiculous, for instance), you need to be able to identify problems and potential problems early on because the nature of relationship problems is that they ferment and exacerbate without proper attention and appropriate action. Any therapist who performs couple therapy will tell you that much marital discord comes about through failure to address the problem earlier (I'm not saying that your relationship is analogous to marriage - it isn't, and if you do have a marriage or a serious, adult relationship then I am really sorry for you and your partner that this is where you come for advice - none of us have advice, knowledge or experience that transcends the scope of relationships between very young adults). I cannot give a list of problems that may arise in your relationship and early warning signs of them, such a list would be beyond exhaustive and never anywhere near complete. If you feel you may have a problem and want to 'confirm' it, most of the relationship thread regulars should be able to help you, but ultimately, you are going to have to use your own judgement.
The purpose of this blog
You've probably been directed here from UG and so don't need this explanation.
If not: Ultimate-Guitar.com is a guitar-oriented internet discussion board. In 'The Pit' (the off-topic section) we have a 'Relationship thread' where users come for advice, and this is a sort of complementary handbook/FAQ type blog. Other users are starting similar blogs to handle different aspects of what the relationship thread gives advice on, at least I think they are, and I'll link to them as I discover them.
I should point out here that I am young, and I have no experience with marriages or serious adult relationships, or relationships involving children or shared accommodation or any other sort of financial agreement. I won't give advice on such relationships (because my advice would be fucking terrible anyway), so I'll leave it at that.
If not: Ultimate-Guitar.com is a guitar-oriented internet discussion board. In 'The Pit' (the off-topic section) we have a 'Relationship thread' where users come for advice, and this is a sort of complementary handbook/FAQ type blog. Other users are starting similar blogs to handle different aspects of what the relationship thread gives advice on, at least I think they are, and I'll link to them as I discover them.
I should point out here that I am young, and I have no experience with marriages or serious adult relationships, or relationships involving children or shared accommodation or any other sort of financial agreement. I won't give advice on such relationships (because my advice would be fucking terrible anyway), so I'll leave it at that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
